grassy fields

i have an old brownie hawkeye that i like to play around with, the kind of box camera that you look down into to shoot the image, and i got these pics back today from the good folks at film for classics. all the black and whites were garbage, but the color ones turned out great...at least i think so, although i think i need to open up the camera and clean the lens, theres some kind if oily film on it...which works great for these pics, but this camera was found by a friend of mine at the dump up in fairbanks alaska, so im sure its overdue for a cleaning. theres something really nice about taking it out and shooting with it though. holding it down at your belly, it feels like centering your chi through the lens....

days

its spongebob tonight and kfc, i couldnt stomach more than the potatoes, but the spongebob i could watch all day, thats funny stuff, devin's tickled and happy, he spent the day at the swimming pool with his girlfriend, tee hee. i think the neighbor woman, the one who sounds like shes from west virginia, will be happy when spring break is over, every day she yells louder at her kids and slams things around, but they run wild anyway, they have ripped the boards off their backyard fence and ripped off the gutters from the house...the garden that used to be there is a trampled dead mess, and the rabbits are gone...

spitting in the sunshine

its amazing that a place like hawaii has a springtime and even more amazing that it feels lovely, cool breezes pleasant sunshine, the midafternoon light hasn't taken on the harshness of a flash bulb white that it will wear a few months from now, and the evening and morning colors are soft and gentle, pinks and mauves, its like bathing in cotton balls right now...and im so insane because today i feel fine, but talking to my wife had something to with that, the weather today just gives me that knowing nod reminding me that things aren't that bad. and sometimes i want to tell that fool to go fuck himself, but not this lovely day.

let it rain

feeling very raw today, ive been working and crying all day, it just keeps coming, dont know why (except i do know its so damned lonely out here), the neighbors fucking sounds like surround sound tonight and the fat neighbor, lord spittoon, spoke to me for the first time in two years and asked me if i painted elk and deer, "you know, scenery with elk or deer". i tried to be polite. the scientologist next door has become a christian, but i think she could become a blood drinking satan worshipper and you would never be able to tell, she has no depth, talking to her is frustrating, its like talking to a piece of glass...

Progression

its interesting how ideas will change and evolve and reveal new pieces of information...the portraits have become more about the form, and the figures in my kouros studies continually want to split apart, almost schizophrenic. theres drunks outside with a karaoke machine and woven hand on my ipod, what a squeeze...

three step

so ive been working but reluctant to post anything, have been in a weird place trying to get back in step, but with any new series its a new dance and new song and one always has to start over, beginners mind and all that junk...the stuff i like i can't post, these graphite and crayon drawings that im totally in love with, but theyre too big for my scanner...have had good news some shows coming up and some magazine coverage, but the neighborhood grind buzzes on, our days are numbered in hawaii but theyre arent counted fast enough.

Strauss

so its been about a month since my last post, have been back from california for almost two weeks now, and i haven't been able to get back to the real work, the work that carries the scent of my name years after i'm gone, it's been all about the other kind of work, papers and money and insurance and lawyers the telegraphed grids of commerce....but i had a dream this morning, something ive been waiting for, corny as it sounds that ive been waiting for some kind of sign, in this dream i'm looking out at this red island in the ocean, this island is mars the entire planet reduced to some kind of essential desert lansdscape sitting off the water of this beach, im traversing its surfaces with a girl, younger, something like a sister but not my sister, more like my charge, walking through gullies and trenches of sand, hardpan, soft red rocky sand with bits of reddish black rocks, im convinced im on mars until i see the ocean, a few hundred feet of rough water up to the island shore where i jump in and swim, walk up the beach with its lush plants and tall trees and the sister is a man now walking beside me explaining how there are many places on earth where plants will not grow and this mars in the water shouldn't surprise me, but we come to a painted white wooden stairwell with some kind of glass door, dew on the glass the whole thing is a strange tower of white wood and glass, i try to open it the wrong way but the mystery man guides my hand to the left side where the door opens and the stairwell goes up into the tops of the trees.
it's been hard to know where to start after coming back from california, im still greatly saddened by the loss of my wife's grandmother, and putting both her and barney's loss in some kind of perspective has been hard, so i think this time ive been back ive been trying to process some of that, especially for the work, but the music has started in my head today very clearly all the stuff i listen to when i paint blaring loud in my skull and i know its time to get back to the studio even if i don't know where to begin. margaret, my wife's grandmother, her clowns have been in my head too, wretched cross stitched things that she was always so proud of, the khemthongs, with their hospitality, and mark, this broken man now mended by his religion, but like a poorly mended vase where you can see the glue sticking out of the cracks.....trying to get a handle on all this....

Flying...

I won't be posting anything for a couple of weeks, we've had a death in the family, just wanted to get these up before I flew out of here. Cheers.

Cat on my lap...

so, i havent posted in a bit, but im still up to the same things, still working on these portraits everyday, still got some big things stewing up in the studio, its been a week for dramas, but everything has settled down, even some folks who really dropped the ball on me, its ok, we move on.

Left turn somewhere...

so, ive been in that working place, and heres a small sampling of what ive been doing. the gallery took a bunch of these, which made me sad. the weather has been tempestuous the last two days, setting my thoughts and heart on fire again, reminding me that the earth doesn't slumber under a sleepy tropical delusion...the wind has been kicking up fiercely, and ive been thinking of that short story by anais nin about the sirocco, all that erotic energy. devin's response to all this has been different, all moody and emotional, easily weepy, we had a long talk about lots of things at dinner today, and we talked about how when the heavy clouds roll in they can sometimes stir up the dark sludge that lurks inside all of us and bring it to the surface.

Sleepy sunday

Not much again today, just another small painting. I'm always so pleased when these studies turn out well.

Birthday boy

So, it's my birthday today, my sister called to wish me a happy one, but that's about all that happened besides this lovely little painting I did this afternoon. Cheers.

On that path

So its more of the same again, but I'm happy with them, continue to be surprised by them, especially the watercolors. So, my neighbor across from me has built what looks like a giant scratching post in his front yard. It's this large block of wood staple wrapped in cheap automotive carpet sitting on 2x6 supports. It's tall, like almost six feet, and he spent three days working furtively on it and filling the neighborhood with the sounds of electric saws and hammering and dropping wood. Devin and I joked that he had ordered some lions to keep him company...but it doesn't look like anything. Now that he's done with it he has left it sitting out in the front yard for everyone to admire, his struggles. In the dark it looks like the monolith from the movie 2001. This is the same man I witnessed playing darts with a crossbow, possession of which was alarming enough. This is also the same man who has a compulsive need to spit. I might have written this before, but one day working out in my carport I counted his spits and had to stop at 32. He spits when he sees me, which cracks me up. So, now I'm wondering about this new project of his that he's conjured up to protect his selfworth. When the lions are delivered, I want to be there.