grassy fields

i have an old brownie hawkeye that i like to play around with, the kind of box camera that you look down into to shoot the image, and i got these pics back today from the good folks at film for classics. all the black and whites were garbage, but the color ones turned out great...at least i think so, although i think i need to open up the camera and clean the lens, theres some kind if oily film on it...which works great for these pics, but this camera was found by a friend of mine at the dump up in fairbanks alaska, so im sure its overdue for a cleaning. theres something really nice about taking it out and shooting with it though. holding it down at your belly, it feels like centering your chi through the lens....

days

its spongebob tonight and kfc, i couldnt stomach more than the potatoes, but the spongebob i could watch all day, thats funny stuff, devin's tickled and happy, he spent the day at the swimming pool with his girlfriend, tee hee. i think the neighbor woman, the one who sounds like shes from west virginia, will be happy when spring break is over, every day she yells louder at her kids and slams things around, but they run wild anyway, they have ripped the boards off their backyard fence and ripped off the gutters from the house...the garden that used to be there is a trampled dead mess, and the rabbits are gone...

spitting in the sunshine

its amazing that a place like hawaii has a springtime and even more amazing that it feels lovely, cool breezes pleasant sunshine, the midafternoon light hasn't taken on the harshness of a flash bulb white that it will wear a few months from now, and the evening and morning colors are soft and gentle, pinks and mauves, its like bathing in cotton balls right now...and im so insane because today i feel fine, but talking to my wife had something to with that, the weather today just gives me that knowing nod reminding me that things aren't that bad. and sometimes i want to tell that fool to go fuck himself, but not this lovely day.

let it rain

feeling very raw today, ive been working and crying all day, it just keeps coming, dont know why (except i do know its so damned lonely out here), the neighbors fucking sounds like surround sound tonight and the fat neighbor, lord spittoon, spoke to me for the first time in two years and asked me if i painted elk and deer, "you know, scenery with elk or deer". i tried to be polite. the scientologist next door has become a christian, but i think she could become a blood drinking satan worshipper and you would never be able to tell, she has no depth, talking to her is frustrating, its like talking to a piece of glass...

Progression

its interesting how ideas will change and evolve and reveal new pieces of information...the portraits have become more about the form, and the figures in my kouros studies continually want to split apart, almost schizophrenic. theres drunks outside with a karaoke machine and woven hand on my ipod, what a squeeze...

three step

so ive been working but reluctant to post anything, have been in a weird place trying to get back in step, but with any new series its a new dance and new song and one always has to start over, beginners mind and all that junk...the stuff i like i can't post, these graphite and crayon drawings that im totally in love with, but theyre too big for my scanner...have had good news some shows coming up and some magazine coverage, but the neighborhood grind buzzes on, our days are numbered in hawaii but theyre arent counted fast enough.

Strauss

so its been about a month since my last post, have been back from california for almost two weeks now, and i haven't been able to get back to the real work, the work that carries the scent of my name years after i'm gone, it's been all about the other kind of work, papers and money and insurance and lawyers the telegraphed grids of commerce....but i had a dream this morning, something ive been waiting for, corny as it sounds that ive been waiting for some kind of sign, in this dream i'm looking out at this red island in the ocean, this island is mars the entire planet reduced to some kind of essential desert lansdscape sitting off the water of this beach, im traversing its surfaces with a girl, younger, something like a sister but not my sister, more like my charge, walking through gullies and trenches of sand, hardpan, soft red rocky sand with bits of reddish black rocks, im convinced im on mars until i see the ocean, a few hundred feet of rough water up to the island shore where i jump in and swim, walk up the beach with its lush plants and tall trees and the sister is a man now walking beside me explaining how there are many places on earth where plants will not grow and this mars in the water shouldn't surprise me, but we come to a painted white wooden stairwell with some kind of glass door, dew on the glass the whole thing is a strange tower of white wood and glass, i try to open it the wrong way but the mystery man guides my hand to the left side where the door opens and the stairwell goes up into the tops of the trees.
it's been hard to know where to start after coming back from california, im still greatly saddened by the loss of my wife's grandmother, and putting both her and barney's loss in some kind of perspective has been hard, so i think this time ive been back ive been trying to process some of that, especially for the work, but the music has started in my head today very clearly all the stuff i listen to when i paint blaring loud in my skull and i know its time to get back to the studio even if i don't know where to begin. margaret, my wife's grandmother, her clowns have been in my head too, wretched cross stitched things that she was always so proud of, the khemthongs, with their hospitality, and mark, this broken man now mended by his religion, but like a poorly mended vase where you can see the glue sticking out of the cracks.....trying to get a handle on all this....